Happy Birthday to Me

Yesterday, February 5th was my 68th birthday. That is just almost impossible for me to believe. Where have all the years gone? The experiences of this last year have given me a new perspective on age and birthdays. There's an add that the American Cancer Society has on TV that says something about how they are the reason for happy birthdays. I couldn't agree more. I have come to the realization that each birthday is a gift and I'm going to enjoy each one of them. My daughter, Amy, told me that if I had been diagnosed 100 years ago, I probably wouldn't have seen this birthday. That is a scary reality. I think also of how very thankful I am that I found the cancer and went to the doctor as soon as I did. Most breast cancers are slow growing, but mine was an invasive ductal carcinoma which was pretty aggressive, and I keep having nightmares about what if I hadn't gone to the doctor when I did? What if I had waited even a month or two? This cancer could have been a stage 3 or 4 by then, and my chances of survival would be much less.

Anyway, I had a wonderful birthday. I was able to spend time with many of the people who mean the most to me, and I literally ate my way through the day. My sister-in-law, Joan and her daughter, Cynthia, met Pat and me for breakfast at the Village Inn. I had my favorite breakfast of Strawberry Crepes, bacon and hashbrowns. Joan was my brother, Jack's, first wife, and even though they divorced many years ago, we have stayed very close. We're each others "sister", and we see each other a lot.

My daughters Amy and Erin, and my "niece" Lisseth took me to lunch at the Joy Luck restaurant. We had a wonderful visit, and my granddaughter, Callie, age 18 months, was our entertainment. She is such a character. She kept us all laughing. She is learning so many new words, and she is such a social butterfly. She is a joy to be with.

My sweet Paddy took me to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, Sego Lily. We had a very nice evening, and the food was delicious. I had salmon and Pat had seared ahi tuna. The Sego Lily is in our little town of Bountiful, and has been here for about 4 years now. It's so nice to have a classy restaurant to go to without heading to Salt lake City.

I didn't get to do any shopping, and our friends Jan and Jerry Burgess cancelled there plans to fly up from California to help me celebrate because I wound up having to have a drain put back into my abdomen. The one drain that hadn't been removed came out on its own about three weeks ago, and I started retaining fluid. Dr. Agarwal tried to aspirate it three different times and couldn't, so they reinserted a drain. Now I'm dragging this thing around. This is a lot different than the drains I had after the surgery. This one even has a place where I have to flush it out twice a day with a syringe of saline solution. It's not very comfortable and no matter how I try, I can't really disguise or hide it. They won't take it out until there is less than 10cc's being drained on a daily basis for several days. I think Dr. Agarwal was worried about an infection, so I'm glad they did this, but it really does feel like a step backward. The recuperation from this surgery has been a lot slower than I expected. Most of the problems I've had are with the abdomen. I've decided that anyone who has a tummy tuck just for cosmetic purposes is crazy. I'd do sit-ups constantly before I would do this.

Well, I've blathered on enough for tonight. I had a great birthday and I pray this year will be a good one. I will keep a positive attitude, and I will attempt to laugh a lot. "A good sense of humor cures almost all of life's ills."

2010 - Onward and Upward!

January 3, 2010!!! Today is my son, Mark's 26th birthday! That is difficult to compute. He is my youngest and my only son. How did the time fly by so quickly? He's really becoming a great young man and a very independent soul. It took him a while to figure out what he wanted to do in life, but now he'll graduate with a BA degree in photography this spring. He already has a blog and a business sight set up on the internet and gets hits from all over the world. I hope he will be successful in his chosen field.

I saw Dr. Agarwal this last Tuesday, and I got rid of two of my drains. I still have one that doesn't want to quit. This reminds me of last year when I had one drain from my mastectomy that would not quit. The doctor finally just took it out when it was time for my chemotherapy. Dr. Agarwal seemed to think everything else was going well. I'm still on Ibuprophen a couple of times a day, and the main pain I have is in my abdomen. Everyone said that would be the most difficult part, and it is. I'm still walking very slowly and I can't stand up completely straight. I can't pick up anything heavier than five pounds. So, Pat has taken on all the heavy work.

My goal for the month of January, besides recuperating, is trying to get some of the stuff purged from our closet and kitchen that we just don't use anymore and is just taking up space that we don't have. It amazes me how quickly stuff piles up that seems so important to keep at the time, then just sits there.

I also plan to do some reading while I recuperate. My daughter, Amy, gave me the Sarah Palin book for Christmas, so I'm going to read that, and the book that my Book Club chose for this month. It's nice to have some times when I have to stay close to home and just relax.

The first decade of the new century has come and gone. I still remember ringing in 2000, and now it's 2010. So much has changed in all of our lives. 9/11/01 was and is the most devastating event I can remember in my life, and when I think of how it has changed all of our lives, it is frightening. I pray that we, as Americans, will never forget what happened on 9/11, and will realize we are at war with people who hate us and our way of life, and will do whatever needs to be done to destroy us. We must remain vigilant and stay strong against this evil. I pray that this new decade will be the one in which we defeat this enemy, and we can once again live in peace and safety.

Okay, I've given my lecture for the year. May 2010 be a good, healthy and happy year for all of us.

Reconstructive Surgery

Well, here it is, December 27th. Christmas has come and gone, and so has my surgery on December 16th. What a month! The last time I wrote on my blog, it was Thanksgiving. After that I started running (literally). We got the Christmas tree up, the Christmas cards sent, the Christmas gifts purchased and wrapped, all before the 16th. I knew once I had the surgery, I'd be in no condition to do any of the above.

The reconstructive surgery went very well. I had what is called a DIEP Free Flap surgery. This is basically an updated version of the TRAM Flap surgery. In the TRAM Flap, tissue, muscle and skin from the lower abdomen are actually tunneled up under the ribcage and placed on the breast area to be rebuilt. With the DIEP Flap, the tissue, blood vessels, skin, etc. are actually removed for the lower abdomen, the flap is created from this and attached to the breast area. The blood vessels and nerves have to be attached in order to keep the flap alive, and that's probably the most difficult part of the surgery. All total, the surgery lasted eight hours. It began at 10:30 am and I was in recovery by a little past 6:30 pm. The nurses in the recovery room kept telling me how well I was doing. They couldn't believe I was actually awake enough to respond to them. Even if it was just a nod, etc.

I was then sent to the Special Care Unit (ICU) for the next four days. This was because I was attached to about every kind of monitor that you could think of, and the nurses had to check on the Flap every hour for the first two days and every two hours for the next two days. The way they checked to see if the Flap was still viable was with a doppler machine. This is like an Ultra-sound machine, but it's shaped like a pen. There is a point on the Flap that they would place this "pen" and you could hear the blood flow. The nurses couldn't believe how strong the blood flow always was. They kept telling me that they had never heard one that was that strong. Of course this made me feel great. I would hate to have to go through a major surgery like this, and then have it fail (which it does now and then).

I finally was untethered from all my monitor wires and IV's on the Sunday following the surgery and got to spend my last night at the Huntsman in a regular room. It was a beautiful room which had a spectacular view of Salt Lake City. The only problem with it was that we were in the middle of a major cloud of fog for the entire night and I was only able to see as far as the helicopter pad on the roof of the University Hospital that is just next door to the Huntsman. Oh well, by then, all I wanted to do was go home anyway, which I was able to do on Monday.

I want to say something about my surgeon, Dr. Jay Agarwal. He's the very best!!! I would recommend him to anyone. He's such a quiet, humble man, and yet he performs miracles for people like me who have lost a part of their body that makes us feel feminine and whole. I will forever be grateful for him and his expertise. He's only about 38 years old, so he has many years to help women get their lives back to some kind of normalcy. I just hope and pray that this "healthcare plan" that is being forced on us doesn't discourage him and others like him to be the best that they can be. I fear it might.

I also want to say a special thank-you to the wonderful nurses and medical assistants at the Huntsman. They are just the best. They did everything they could to make me feel comfortable and feel like I was their most important patient. I know they had others to take care of that were every bit as important, but that's what was so great about them. They cared about me, when they were with me, and I knew I was more than just "Patient #such and such". I had to do alot of walking while I was in the hospital, and many times one of them would go with me. We had some great talks and we got to know each other pretty well. They truly are angels in white (or whatever color, now days).

The power of prayer once again manifested itself to me during this experience. I was given a special Priesthood Blessing by my son-in-law, Aaron, and a very dear friend, Glen Turner, before I went into surgery. My name was also put on the temple prayer lists by several of my family and friends. These along with all the good thoughts and prayers by family and friends from around the country, gave me the strength I needed to get through this in such a positive way. The doctors kept telling me that I must have a high tolerance for pain, but I know it was the strength behind the prayers that had been sent my way, that helped me and continues to

help me in my recovery.

I have an appointment to see Dr. Agarwal on Tuesday, so I'll know how things are going then. Maybe they'll be able to take out at least one of my drains (I have three). I'll continue this saga after that appointment. I'll sign off for now, and if you read this, thanks for your support.

Happy Thanksgiving

Wow! It's been over a month since I visited my Blog and wrote anything on it. It's about time I sat down and put down a few of my thoughts.

Today is Thanksgiving and we're having 30+ people here to celebrate, and I'm definitely going to celebrate. On this day, one year ago, I had seen my primary care physician, and she had set me up for a diagnostic mammogram. The appointment was for December 2nd. I knew in my heart that I had breast cancer, but it hadn't been confirmed and I wasn't telling anyone of my fears, because I didn't want anyone worrying. I was doing enough of that myself. Now, one year later, and a myriad of tests, surgery, chemo and radiation, I have a lot to be thankful for. I was scared to death last year, but I found out I'm a pretty tough lady, and this year wasn't as bad as I feared.

My family, especially my husband, Pat, has been very supportive. He took me to everyone on my chemo treatments and waited patiently through many hours of drips. He spent many hours in waiting rooms while I was in another doctor's appointment, and he listened to me when I needed to talk. He's put up with a lot and I thank him for his love and patience. My daughter, Amy, the nurse, was with me at my first appointment at the Huntsman Cancer Center. She gave me so much reassurance with her medical knowledge. She was able to understand what Dr. Neumeyer and Dr. Ward were telling me when I was being bombarded with so much information I couldn't take it all in. She helped me in so many ways this year, from taking care of surgical bandages and drains to giving me my Neulasta shots after my chemo treatments. My daughter, Erin, and son, Mark, for their loving concern and willingness to help whenever they could. Finally, Lisseth, my adopted niece, who has given me so much support in keeping up my health in general and my spirits. She was with me from the moment she heard I had cancer and gave me so much dietary advice, etc. I know the things she did for me helped me to get through chemo easier than I would have otherwise.

I'm so thankful for all the prayers that were sent up for me from all over the country and from every religious persuasion. It strengthened me and saw me through so many difficult days. Knowing that people cared enough for me to pray for me, humbles me so much. I always thought I was pretty independent and could take care of most things by myself, but I found out that needing other's help through prayer and service is not a weakness. I just hope that I will be able to return that love and support.

I'm thankful that I was able to go to the Huntsman Cancer Center for my care. Every person that I have met and worked with there has made me feel like I'm important. I've never once felt like a number or that I was keeping someone from something else. It's like being part of a family there. My doctors; Dr. Neumeyer, Dr. Ward, Dr. Gaffney and Dr. Agarwal have always given me every minute of time that I need to talk to them about my concerns, and they've answered all of my questions. The nurses and technicians made me feel so comfortable. When I saw them as often as did, we became friends, and they still know me by name, which is amazing to me, because they see so many patients. I especially want to thanks Vicki Rosser, who basically took me by my hand and led me through the first five months of this adventure. She even gave me her home phone number so I could call her if I needed to. She was always there with a hug and some words of encouragement, and she still is.

Finally, I'm thankful that I'm dancing with NED. What, you say? Well, I found a websight through the American Cancer Society, and they have discussion boards, where we talk about all sorts of things, but mainly about our fight with breast cancer. When I first joined the group, some people were talking about dancing with NED, and I wondered what they were talking about. Well, now I know. NED stands for No Evidence of Disease. Now I'm dancing with NED and that's the best gift of all.

Yes, I have much to be thankful for this year. It has been a year that I hope I will never have to go through again, but I have grown a lot because of my experience and I've learned so much about others. Thank you everyone for who you are and what you have given me. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Thoughts on Being 'Cancer Free'

Cancer Free! It sounds wonderful, but just exactly what does it mean? Am I cured or am I in remission, what is it? I asked my oncologist's physician's assistant this, and she ran a program for me that showed me what the percentages were of the cancer returning with the different treatments I had. The possibility of it returning decreased with each treatment, but there's still about a 25% chance that it can come back. I'm trying to get my mind wrapped around that. I'm a pretty positive person, and I try to look at the bright side of things, but this is scary. I'm on a cancer survivor's websight and one of the things that was discussed there was how we as cancer survivor's are more susceptible to cancer, now that we've had it once. I'm really trying to not let these thoughts get to me, but it's always in the back of my mind. It's very difficult for me to talk to my family about these thoughts, because I don't want them to worry, and I know that they want to just get this behind us and forget it. I wish I could. Thank goodness for the web-sight that I go to. Even if I don't write anything, I can read what others are feeling and thinking and it helps me to realize I'm not alone.

A friend of mine that has gone through breast cancer sent me something that Erma Bombeck wrote when she found out she was dying of a second bout of cancer. I think it's so good that I want to print it here and read it often, because I think it's something that all of us need to remember.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck

I'd have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth..

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's'. More 'I'm sorry's'.

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute .. look at it and really see it .. live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

These are things I need to remember, especially to stop sweating the small stuff. Live and love life and never have any regrets.

Surgery - December 16th

Well, I had my appointment with Dr Agarwal this last Tuesday. We talked for a long time and decided the DIEP Flap is the one that I will have. This is also known as the Free TRAM Flap. We discussed the fact that there is a 1% - 3% chance that the surgery won't work. This is because there are blood vessels that need to be attached and if it's not done correctly then the tissue from the stomach that is used to make the breast will die. That's why the surgeon who does this has to be well qualified in micro-surgery. The surgery will take 6-8 hours and I'll be in the hospital for 4 or 5 days, mainly to make sure the surgery was a success and the circulation in the new breast is working properly. So if everything goes well, I should be home by December 21st, in time to celebrate Christmas. Last year, I had my mastectomy on December 23rd and was home to celebrate Christmas and the fact that the beast (cancer) was out of my body. Believe it or not that was a great celebration, and now after spending seven months in Chemotherapy and Radiation and all their lovely side effects, I'll be able to celebrate a new breast and a new life. To find out more about the DIEP Flap, google it or go to the American Cancer Society websight.

Why am I waiting till December 16th to have the surgery? When I was talking to Dr. Agarwal, he asked me when I'd like the surgery. I said, "Well, not this week, but as soon as possible. If I could have it before the end of the month, that would be great." He kind of smiled at me and said, "Let me check my schedule." I had three options before the end of the year. They were December 2nd, 9th or 16th. (Dr. Agarwal's a busy man) I thought about it for a few minutes and decided on December 16th so I could have everything ready for Christmas, then have the surgery, come home and let everyone else handle the big day itself. I'll just sit back and relax. They'll have to let me do just that. Then I'll have January to recuperate. Nothing major will be going on, and it's not a month to be outside alot anyway, unless you ski which I gave up many years ago.

Now that I know when I'll be having the surgery, I can actually make some plans, so tomorrow, I'm heading to California to help my friend, Jan Burgess, celebrate her birthday. It'll be nice to get some California sunshine for a couple of days, if it doesn't rain. We've had some cold weather here lately, and I'm not quite ready for the big change. I did get out in the backyard yesterday, and cut back all my perennials along our back fence. It took about three hours and by the time I was finished, I thought my back was going to break. Sombra and Ibuprophen barely touched it. I'll wait till I'm back from California to do anymore.

A friend of mine that has also had breast cancer, sent me some thoughts from Erma Bombeck when she found out she was dieing of cancer. I thought they were so important that in my next blog I'm going to add them. For now, my thought for the day is: 'Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.'

The Waiting Game

My gosh, an entire month has come and gone since I last posted anything on my Blog. September was a busy month, so that's my excuse. We joined the Marriott Vacation Club several years ago, and bought a condominium at the Marriott Mountainside Resort in Park CIty. We've only used it once before, because we usually trade it for other condos at other resorts, but this year we decided to stay home and spend time at our own condo. So, September 18-25 was our big week. We let our kids and their families use it for the weekend, then Pat and I stayed there for the remainder of the week. It was five days of pure relaxation. We had our friends, the Burgesses join us on Wednesday for a couple of nights. It was a very pleasant get-away and just up the mountain from Bountiful.

I titled this blog 'The Waiting Game', because that's what I'm doing. I'm waiting to find out when I'm going to have my reconstructive surgery. I knew there would be a three month wait after I completed the radiation therapy, but now it's been three months and I'm getting a bit anxious. I'm scheduled to see the plastic surgeon tomorrow (Oct. 6), so hopefully he'll set a surgery date and I can start making some plans. I haven't been able to "plan" anything from October on, because everything's on hold with this impending surgery. I'll be having either a DIEP Flap or a TRAM Flap, and the recovery period for either of them is about six weeks. I,'m hoping to have the DIEP Flap. It's the newer procedure and my doctor, Dr. Agarwal, is one of the few doctors in the USA that can perform it. It's a long surgery (about 6-8 hours) and it's a micro-surgery, so very detailed, but it's been very successful, and the women I've read about who have had it are very happy with the results. I'll be able to talk about what's going to happen after I see Dr. Agarwal tomorrow.

I found a websight that I like alot. It's a cancer survivor's websight sponsored be the American Cancer Society. I checked into it about a month ago. They have these discussion boards where women can pose questions or problems they're having and get feedback from women from all over the world that are going through the same thing. It really helps me to realize I'm not alone in this battle, and there are women out there who know what it's all about and can relate to my concerns and fears. I've learned alot about some of the treatments I'm having and how they can affect me, and I've come up with great questions to ask my oncologist, just from reading some of the discussions. There are women in every stage of their fight against the 'monster' as they call it, and their strength and courage is so inspiring. I didn't think I wanted or needed to have this kind of support, but as time goes on, I find that being able to talk to women who have gone through this, is very helpful to me. Now I'm thinking I'd like to find a support group in Salt Lake City that I can join.

This weekend was General Conference for my church. General Conference is held twice a year and it's purpose is to give the members of the church an opportunity to see and hear the messages from the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles, etc. This conference was a very special one in that the messages all seemed to center on loving one another and service to one another. It really hit home with me because I've been on the receiving end of that kind of love and service since I was diagnosed with cancer. It was very difficult for me to accept this outpouring of love at first. I just figured I had my family and I was a strong woman and I could handle all of this on my own, but I found out differently. Knowing that there are others that care about you and are willing to help in any way is very comforting in a crisis situation. I hope to be one of those caretakers for others when I'm past all of this.

Well, I've jabbered enough. I'll sign off for now and hopefully have something to talk about after tomorrow's appointment with Dr. Agarwal.