Thoughts on Being 'Cancer Free'

Cancer Free! It sounds wonderful, but just exactly what does it mean? Am I cured or am I in remission, what is it? I asked my oncologist's physician's assistant this, and she ran a program for me that showed me what the percentages were of the cancer returning with the different treatments I had. The possibility of it returning decreased with each treatment, but there's still about a 25% chance that it can come back. I'm trying to get my mind wrapped around that. I'm a pretty positive person, and I try to look at the bright side of things, but this is scary. I'm on a cancer survivor's websight and one of the things that was discussed there was how we as cancer survivor's are more susceptible to cancer, now that we've had it once. I'm really trying to not let these thoughts get to me, but it's always in the back of my mind. It's very difficult for me to talk to my family about these thoughts, because I don't want them to worry, and I know that they want to just get this behind us and forget it. I wish I could. Thank goodness for the web-sight that I go to. Even if I don't write anything, I can read what others are feeling and thinking and it helps me to realize I'm not alone.

A friend of mine that has gone through breast cancer sent me something that Erma Bombeck wrote when she found out she was dying of a second bout of cancer. I think it's so good that I want to print it here and read it often, because I think it's something that all of us need to remember.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck

I'd have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth..

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's'. More 'I'm sorry's'.

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute .. look at it and really see it .. live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

These are things I need to remember, especially to stop sweating the small stuff. Live and love life and never have any regrets.

Surgery - December 16th

Well, I had my appointment with Dr Agarwal this last Tuesday. We talked for a long time and decided the DIEP Flap is the one that I will have. This is also known as the Free TRAM Flap. We discussed the fact that there is a 1% - 3% chance that the surgery won't work. This is because there are blood vessels that need to be attached and if it's not done correctly then the tissue from the stomach that is used to make the breast will die. That's why the surgeon who does this has to be well qualified in micro-surgery. The surgery will take 6-8 hours and I'll be in the hospital for 4 or 5 days, mainly to make sure the surgery was a success and the circulation in the new breast is working properly. So if everything goes well, I should be home by December 21st, in time to celebrate Christmas. Last year, I had my mastectomy on December 23rd and was home to celebrate Christmas and the fact that the beast (cancer) was out of my body. Believe it or not that was a great celebration, and now after spending seven months in Chemotherapy and Radiation and all their lovely side effects, I'll be able to celebrate a new breast and a new life. To find out more about the DIEP Flap, google it or go to the American Cancer Society websight.

Why am I waiting till December 16th to have the surgery? When I was talking to Dr. Agarwal, he asked me when I'd like the surgery. I said, "Well, not this week, but as soon as possible. If I could have it before the end of the month, that would be great." He kind of smiled at me and said, "Let me check my schedule." I had three options before the end of the year. They were December 2nd, 9th or 16th. (Dr. Agarwal's a busy man) I thought about it for a few minutes and decided on December 16th so I could have everything ready for Christmas, then have the surgery, come home and let everyone else handle the big day itself. I'll just sit back and relax. They'll have to let me do just that. Then I'll have January to recuperate. Nothing major will be going on, and it's not a month to be outside alot anyway, unless you ski which I gave up many years ago.

Now that I know when I'll be having the surgery, I can actually make some plans, so tomorrow, I'm heading to California to help my friend, Jan Burgess, celebrate her birthday. It'll be nice to get some California sunshine for a couple of days, if it doesn't rain. We've had some cold weather here lately, and I'm not quite ready for the big change. I did get out in the backyard yesterday, and cut back all my perennials along our back fence. It took about three hours and by the time I was finished, I thought my back was going to break. Sombra and Ibuprophen barely touched it. I'll wait till I'm back from California to do anymore.

A friend of mine that has also had breast cancer, sent me some thoughts from Erma Bombeck when she found out she was dieing of cancer. I thought they were so important that in my next blog I'm going to add them. For now, my thought for the day is: 'Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.'

The Waiting Game

My gosh, an entire month has come and gone since I last posted anything on my Blog. September was a busy month, so that's my excuse. We joined the Marriott Vacation Club several years ago, and bought a condominium at the Marriott Mountainside Resort in Park CIty. We've only used it once before, because we usually trade it for other condos at other resorts, but this year we decided to stay home and spend time at our own condo. So, September 18-25 was our big week. We let our kids and their families use it for the weekend, then Pat and I stayed there for the remainder of the week. It was five days of pure relaxation. We had our friends, the Burgesses join us on Wednesday for a couple of nights. It was a very pleasant get-away and just up the mountain from Bountiful.

I titled this blog 'The Waiting Game', because that's what I'm doing. I'm waiting to find out when I'm going to have my reconstructive surgery. I knew there would be a three month wait after I completed the radiation therapy, but now it's been three months and I'm getting a bit anxious. I'm scheduled to see the plastic surgeon tomorrow (Oct. 6), so hopefully he'll set a surgery date and I can start making some plans. I haven't been able to "plan" anything from October on, because everything's on hold with this impending surgery. I'll be having either a DIEP Flap or a TRAM Flap, and the recovery period for either of them is about six weeks. I,'m hoping to have the DIEP Flap. It's the newer procedure and my doctor, Dr. Agarwal, is one of the few doctors in the USA that can perform it. It's a long surgery (about 6-8 hours) and it's a micro-surgery, so very detailed, but it's been very successful, and the women I've read about who have had it are very happy with the results. I'll be able to talk about what's going to happen after I see Dr. Agarwal tomorrow.

I found a websight that I like alot. It's a cancer survivor's websight sponsored be the American Cancer Society. I checked into it about a month ago. They have these discussion boards where women can pose questions or problems they're having and get feedback from women from all over the world that are going through the same thing. It really helps me to realize I'm not alone in this battle, and there are women out there who know what it's all about and can relate to my concerns and fears. I've learned alot about some of the treatments I'm having and how they can affect me, and I've come up with great questions to ask my oncologist, just from reading some of the discussions. There are women in every stage of their fight against the 'monster' as they call it, and their strength and courage is so inspiring. I didn't think I wanted or needed to have this kind of support, but as time goes on, I find that being able to talk to women who have gone through this, is very helpful to me. Now I'm thinking I'd like to find a support group in Salt Lake City that I can join.

This weekend was General Conference for my church. General Conference is held twice a year and it's purpose is to give the members of the church an opportunity to see and hear the messages from the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles, etc. This conference was a very special one in that the messages all seemed to center on loving one another and service to one another. It really hit home with me because I've been on the receiving end of that kind of love and service since I was diagnosed with cancer. It was very difficult for me to accept this outpouring of love at first. I just figured I had my family and I was a strong woman and I could handle all of this on my own, but I found out differently. Knowing that there are others that care about you and are willing to help in any way is very comforting in a crisis situation. I hope to be one of those caretakers for others when I'm past all of this.

Well, I've jabbered enough. I'll sign off for now and hopefully have something to talk about after tomorrow's appointment with Dr. Agarwal.