Thoughts on Being 'Cancer Free'

Cancer Free! It sounds wonderful, but just exactly what does it mean? Am I cured or am I in remission, what is it? I asked my oncologist's physician's assistant this, and she ran a program for me that showed me what the percentages were of the cancer returning with the different treatments I had. The possibility of it returning decreased with each treatment, but there's still about a 25% chance that it can come back. I'm trying to get my mind wrapped around that. I'm a pretty positive person, and I try to look at the bright side of things, but this is scary. I'm on a cancer survivor's websight and one of the things that was discussed there was how we as cancer survivor's are more susceptible to cancer, now that we've had it once. I'm really trying to not let these thoughts get to me, but it's always in the back of my mind. It's very difficult for me to talk to my family about these thoughts, because I don't want them to worry, and I know that they want to just get this behind us and forget it. I wish I could. Thank goodness for the web-sight that I go to. Even if I don't write anything, I can read what others are feeling and thinking and it helps me to realize I'm not alone.

A friend of mine that has gone through breast cancer sent me something that Erma Bombeck wrote when she found out she was dying of a second bout of cancer. I think it's so good that I want to print it here and read it often, because I think it's something that all of us need to remember.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck

I'd have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth..

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you's'. More 'I'm sorry's'.

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute .. look at it and really see it .. live it and never give it back. STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

These are things I need to remember, especially to stop sweating the small stuff. Live and love life and never have any regrets.

Surgery - December 16th

Well, I had my appointment with Dr Agarwal this last Tuesday. We talked for a long time and decided the DIEP Flap is the one that I will have. This is also known as the Free TRAM Flap. We discussed the fact that there is a 1% - 3% chance that the surgery won't work. This is because there are blood vessels that need to be attached and if it's not done correctly then the tissue from the stomach that is used to make the breast will die. That's why the surgeon who does this has to be well qualified in micro-surgery. The surgery will take 6-8 hours and I'll be in the hospital for 4 or 5 days, mainly to make sure the surgery was a success and the circulation in the new breast is working properly. So if everything goes well, I should be home by December 21st, in time to celebrate Christmas. Last year, I had my mastectomy on December 23rd and was home to celebrate Christmas and the fact that the beast (cancer) was out of my body. Believe it or not that was a great celebration, and now after spending seven months in Chemotherapy and Radiation and all their lovely side effects, I'll be able to celebrate a new breast and a new life. To find out more about the DIEP Flap, google it or go to the American Cancer Society websight.

Why am I waiting till December 16th to have the surgery? When I was talking to Dr. Agarwal, he asked me when I'd like the surgery. I said, "Well, not this week, but as soon as possible. If I could have it before the end of the month, that would be great." He kind of smiled at me and said, "Let me check my schedule." I had three options before the end of the year. They were December 2nd, 9th or 16th. (Dr. Agarwal's a busy man) I thought about it for a few minutes and decided on December 16th so I could have everything ready for Christmas, then have the surgery, come home and let everyone else handle the big day itself. I'll just sit back and relax. They'll have to let me do just that. Then I'll have January to recuperate. Nothing major will be going on, and it's not a month to be outside alot anyway, unless you ski which I gave up many years ago.

Now that I know when I'll be having the surgery, I can actually make some plans, so tomorrow, I'm heading to California to help my friend, Jan Burgess, celebrate her birthday. It'll be nice to get some California sunshine for a couple of days, if it doesn't rain. We've had some cold weather here lately, and I'm not quite ready for the big change. I did get out in the backyard yesterday, and cut back all my perennials along our back fence. It took about three hours and by the time I was finished, I thought my back was going to break. Sombra and Ibuprophen barely touched it. I'll wait till I'm back from California to do anymore.

A friend of mine that has also had breast cancer, sent me some thoughts from Erma Bombeck when she found out she was dieing of cancer. I thought they were so important that in my next blog I'm going to add them. For now, my thought for the day is: 'Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.'

The Waiting Game

My gosh, an entire month has come and gone since I last posted anything on my Blog. September was a busy month, so that's my excuse. We joined the Marriott Vacation Club several years ago, and bought a condominium at the Marriott Mountainside Resort in Park CIty. We've only used it once before, because we usually trade it for other condos at other resorts, but this year we decided to stay home and spend time at our own condo. So, September 18-25 was our big week. We let our kids and their families use it for the weekend, then Pat and I stayed there for the remainder of the week. It was five days of pure relaxation. We had our friends, the Burgesses join us on Wednesday for a couple of nights. It was a very pleasant get-away and just up the mountain from Bountiful.

I titled this blog 'The Waiting Game', because that's what I'm doing. I'm waiting to find out when I'm going to have my reconstructive surgery. I knew there would be a three month wait after I completed the radiation therapy, but now it's been three months and I'm getting a bit anxious. I'm scheduled to see the plastic surgeon tomorrow (Oct. 6), so hopefully he'll set a surgery date and I can start making some plans. I haven't been able to "plan" anything from October on, because everything's on hold with this impending surgery. I'll be having either a DIEP Flap or a TRAM Flap, and the recovery period for either of them is about six weeks. I,'m hoping to have the DIEP Flap. It's the newer procedure and my doctor, Dr. Agarwal, is one of the few doctors in the USA that can perform it. It's a long surgery (about 6-8 hours) and it's a micro-surgery, so very detailed, but it's been very successful, and the women I've read about who have had it are very happy with the results. I'll be able to talk about what's going to happen after I see Dr. Agarwal tomorrow.

I found a websight that I like alot. It's a cancer survivor's websight sponsored be the American Cancer Society. I checked into it about a month ago. They have these discussion boards where women can pose questions or problems they're having and get feedback from women from all over the world that are going through the same thing. It really helps me to realize I'm not alone in this battle, and there are women out there who know what it's all about and can relate to my concerns and fears. I've learned alot about some of the treatments I'm having and how they can affect me, and I've come up with great questions to ask my oncologist, just from reading some of the discussions. There are women in every stage of their fight against the 'monster' as they call it, and their strength and courage is so inspiring. I didn't think I wanted or needed to have this kind of support, but as time goes on, I find that being able to talk to women who have gone through this, is very helpful to me. Now I'm thinking I'd like to find a support group in Salt Lake City that I can join.

This weekend was General Conference for my church. General Conference is held twice a year and it's purpose is to give the members of the church an opportunity to see and hear the messages from the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles, etc. This conference was a very special one in that the messages all seemed to center on loving one another and service to one another. It really hit home with me because I've been on the receiving end of that kind of love and service since I was diagnosed with cancer. It was very difficult for me to accept this outpouring of love at first. I just figured I had my family and I was a strong woman and I could handle all of this on my own, but I found out differently. Knowing that there are others that care about you and are willing to help in any way is very comforting in a crisis situation. I hope to be one of those caretakers for others when I'm past all of this.

Well, I've jabbered enough. I'll sign off for now and hopefully have something to talk about after tomorrow's appointment with Dr. Agarwal.

Thoughts on a Saturday Morning

Sitting here, eating breakfast, I'm thinking about this last week and some of the things that happened. This last weekend, I thought we were going to lose our dog, Darby. He's fifteen years old, and on Saturday evening, he just quit moving. He wouldn't come up the stairs to our bedroom when it was time for bed, (He has to sleep in the room with us) and he really struggled to even go outside to relieve himself. His appetite was still good and he was drinking enough water. I couldn't help thinking I was going to have to have him put to sleep. The idea of that was just too much, especially after losing Sherman. So, I took him to the veterinarian on Monday. I told her what had been going on. She checked him out and found out he had injured his back, probably bounding up our stairs. He still thinks he's a puppy. Anyway, she gave him some steroids and muscle relaxants, and he's back to his old self. Thank goodness!!

On Wednesday, I went to the Huntsman Cancer Center for my third infusion of Zometa. It's really odd how hard a time I have going there. It brings back too many memories of being on chemotherapy and all that that entailed. Once I get to the infusion room, and meet the nurse who will be doing the infusion, I relax and I'm okay. The nurses that are there, remember me, and are so nice. We usually have a good visit, which makes me feel great. The infusion itself only takes about a half hour, but with blood work, etc. I can expect to be there at least an hour and a half to two hours. I'm very glad I'm taking part in this clinical trial, because it will at least help me keep my bones strong, but hopefully it will be an answer to helping women avoid bone cancer after having breast cancer.

Thursday, Pat took our grandson to the optician to get a new lense in his glasses. The optician's

office is in a medical building, so they're walking to the office when Colin notices that one of the signs on an office is 'Plastic Surgeon'. He asks Pat what a plastic surgeon does, and after some explanation, Colin asks him if anyone in our family has ever had plastic surgery, so Pat tells him that I'll be having some this fall. Then Colin asks him why. Pat tells him that I have a lot of scars on my chest from the surgery I had last winter, so the plastic surgeon is going to fix them and make my chest like new. Colin thinks about that for a miute, then says "That's got to hurt!"

Out of the mouths of babes!!

Yesterday, I met my friend, Kay VanKampen, for lunch. She and I have been friends since our college days. We try to get together at least once every two or three months for lunch and a good visit. She still lives in Ogden and since I live in Bountiful, we compromise and meet in Layton for lunch. They have alot of great restaurants, so we have some good choices. Yesterday, we went to McCool's Public House. It's an Irish restaurant/bar, and she'd never been there. The food was great and we had a good visit. It was a nice ending to a busy week.

And so goes life. My thought for the week is, "Love is a present that can be given every single day you live."

August Rush

That's the title of one of my favorite movies. Why I titled this post that, I don't know, except that Ausgust is rushing by and so is summer, and I don't know where it went. My last post was dated July 17th and the last month has been a rush of activity. Pat and I left for Illinois on July 23rd. We took our grandson, Colin, with us. It was a major roadtrip (three 7 hour days). I was really worried about how Colin would make the trip, but he was a real trooper. We kept him plied with movies, Nintendo DS games and books, and he was quite happy. After our first day, we pulled off the freeway in Sidney, Nebraska, and he asked Pat, "Grandpa, how long would it take on an airplane?" Pat answered, "3 hours". I could see Colin's wheels turning, and I said, "Yes, Colin, we'd be there by now, but heaven forbid that we miss the adventure of the roadtrip." Personally, I'd take the plane anyday. The trip along I80 to Illinois has to be one the most boring, least scenic trips ever. Miles and miles of nothing but flat, flat barren land. It really doesn't get very interesting till you get into Iowa, but who am I to complain. I'm just along for the ride, whether I want to be or not.

Our visit in Illinois was alot of fun. Pat's Aunt Catherine had a 90th birthday party on July 26th. So that was our first stop. We spent three days in Urbana, Illinois visiting with alot of family and friends who had made the trip to help her celebrate. Her actual birthday is today, August 27th, but the party was held in July because more people could come then. It was great seeing so much family, many of whom we hadn't seen in a long time. After our stay in Urbana,

we went to Savanna, Illinois, and stayed with Pat's sister, Pam and her husband, Jon, for a week. Colin had a great time, because he got to meet and play with alot of cousins that he had never met before.

We got back to Utah on August 5th. It was great to get back home, but we found out one of our cats disappeared the weekend before we got home. Pat, of course, was ecstatic. He hates cats. I'm still in mourning. Sherman was such a cool cat, and I just can't figure it out. If I knew what had happened to him, I might get some closure, but I don't. I've been checking with the animal control and the humane society, in case he got picked up, but nothing. I just hope he found a new home, with people who love him.

We were home long enough to wash clothes and read the mail, then we FLEW to Sacramento to visit some of our friends that we hadn't seen for more than a year. We spent three days with them and had a fun time. They were heading to Alaska for an Inland Passage cruise from Seward, Alaska to Victoria, Canada three days after we left. I was kind of envious, but we all began planning our next European vacation, once this year is behind me. We're going to take a river cruise down the Danube, probably next spring. It will be my celebration trip for getting through 2009.

This last month has been the "Get out of Dodge" month. It's the first time in a year that I've been able to go anywhere other than the Huntsman Cancer Center, and it's been so nice to be free to just do what I want to do, without doctor's appointments, etc. to contend with. I still have my reconstructive surgery to look forward to, but that won't be till October, so till then, I'm enjoying getting back to some normalcy.

Summer Time and the Living is Easy!

Well, here it is, July 17th, and with my main cancer treatment behind me, the living IS easy. My last radiation treatment was on July 2nd. I'm finally getting over the burn. The worst of that hit after the treatments had ended. There was an area under my right arm that looked like it had been fried. It was brown and dry, and the dead skin just finally sluffed off. The rest of the area that was radiated was just like a very bad sunburn. No matter how much Miaderm I put on, it just plain hurt. Now it's finally healing and I can actually wear my bra again. I know this sounds awful, but I didn't have it as bad as some of the women that I befriended in the waiting room. There's always someone you meet that's worse off than you, and it really gives you pause and just thankful for your blessings.

Anyway, I met with the surgeon that will do my reconstruction a week after I was finished with the radiation. He said that I would not be a candidate for a silcon or saline implant, because of the effect the radiation had on my skin. I don't know all of the reasons, but I think alot of it has to do with scarring, etc. So, I'll be doing the reconstruction where they take fat, etc. out of the lower stomach (tummy tuck) and make a boob. They attach blood vessels, etc. so there is circulation. This is a major surgery. It'll take about six to eight hours. I won't be having it till October because I need to be totally healed from the radiation.

In the meantime, I'm taking part in a study at the Huntsman. It's being done to find out if adding bisphosphonates (drugs that have strong effects on the bones and can strengthen them) to hormonal therapy (Tamoxifen) will help prevent cancer from spreading to the bones or other parts of the body. Since I was already taking Fosamax, I decided to do this. It certainly won't hurt me, and if it can find answers to help in the future fight against this disease, I'm only glad to be part of this. It's a national study involving about 4000 women. They are studying three different bisphosphonates. Two are pills that a woman takes on a daily basis for three years, and the third is an infusion that a woman has on a monthly basis for six months, then quarterly for the remainder of the study. I was radomized into the one that is the infusion. The bisphosphonate is Zometa. My oncologist told me it is a very good drug and he uses it along with chemotherapy for people who are already suffering from bone cancer. I've had one infusion already and my next one will be on July 22nd. So far there have not been any bad side effects. I'll be doing this for three years along with the hormone therapy, Tamoxifen (which I take for five years).

And so goes my life. I sometimes wonder what happened and how I got here, but here I am, and I'm going to make the very best I can of it. Life deals everyone challenges, and it's how we handle these challenges that makes us who we are.

Where Does theTime Go?!?

Today is June 20th.  I haven't written on my blog for over a month.   I don't know what happened to me.  The last month has been a total loss with anything productive.  I began my radiation therapy on May 21st and that's all I've done.  I go to the Huntsman Center five days a week.  My appointment is at 3pm, so I leave home about 2:15pm in order to get there on time. The appointment usually takes only about fifteen to twenty minutes, but with waiting time I usually don't leave till about 4pm and get back home between 4:30pm and 5pm.  The radiation therapy itself usually wipes me out, so by the time I get home, I just want to crash.  Needless to say, we've done alot of takeout lately.  I've had twenty-one treatments so far, and I still have nine to go.  The area that's being treated is very red, and is becoming quite sensitive.  It feels like having a very bad sunburn, following a day at the beach.  I keep my skin slathered with a special lotion for radiation burn, and it does help, but it will just be nice to have it all behind me.   

My hair's beginning to grow back.  I have about an eighth of an inch all over my head.  The radiation therapists tell me once it starts growing it really comes in fast.  I thought if it's grown alot by the time I have my last treatment, then maybe I'll take my scarf off and let them see it. That's the one good thing about going everyday for these treatments.  I've really gotten to know the therapists well.  My favorite is Debbie.  She has such a fun personality.  We always have a good laugh or two while I'm there.  I've decided the key to getting through this whole process is to keep a smile on my face and in my heart, and laugh as much as possible.  

It is now Wednesday, June 24th. and I still haven't finished this post.  Anyway, one of my friends from church, Janice Simmons, brought dinner to Pat and me tonight.  This is the second day this week that someone has brought dinner.  Monday my neighbor, Doty, brought over homemade shrimp fettucini.  It was delicious.  It's like I said before, I have the best neighbors and friends.  It really makes me feel guilty at times, because they've been so good to me, and I haven't felt that sick that I should be getting such wonderful help.  There will be a time when I can return the favor.  

I'm now down to six more treatments.  It's going by fast.  It will be so great to have all of this behind me.  I'll be on Tamoxifin (spelling?) for five years, and I'll be back for periodic checkups but the main treatments will be over.  I'm taking part in a study that I'll talk about in my next blog.  That's one of the good things about being at Huntsman.  I have the opportunity to be in studies that will help in the future treatments of cancer, but will possibly help me also.

This has been a difficult week for me.  My friend, Becky, that I wrote about in March, passed away on Monday.  She had colon cancer that had matastisized to her brain and then went to her pancreas.  She really fought hard, but the cancer just took over.  Her mother called me Tuesday morning and told me about her death.  She said that she only weighed about fifty pounds when she died. Becky was such a feisty gal, but the last three years have been hell for her.  Her husband, Mike, had fought cancer for two years before he died last July and then Becky wound up battling for her life this year.  Now she's gone.  I know that she's at peace and with her beloved Mike.  They were truly soulmates and I just don't think they could be apart.  She'll be missed.